This topic has been on my mind and close to my heart for months. While the journey to understand it was a painful one, I’m truly excited to finally put it into words and share it with everyone! So, let’s dive in!

Let’s talk about the pain: The Beginning

Before I get started, I think it is worth talking about the pain that led to the four pillars. For this, you need to know that I moved to the States at the age of 20, by myself, to go to grad school in Texas. At the time, I was in a great relationship but it turned into long distance after us ending up in different schools in the US. Although the circumstances of my move to the States were very traumatic at the time, somehow God has given me the grace to do very well in school while our long distance relationship plummeted. After a year and a half in the States, at a ripe “old” age of crack of 22, it ended. And I am so grateful that it did.

Honestly, I may have been serious with that thought at the time but looking back, I know it was only my excuse and justification to be with him. A relationship or marriage not rooted in Christ is truly a nightmare and I know God protected me from having a really bad marriage and worse. Don’t get me wrong. He was a great guy and I am sure he still is, but he was not the one to lead me toward Christ for the rest of my life. Although according to “my” plan, I was dead sure that we were going to marry the moment we graduated! Haha! And we didn’t even last till at least one of us finished grad school. Life is funny like that. And maybe God is funny like that and I love that His plans are always so much better than my wildest imaginations!

However, when it ended, I was a different person. I truly strayed away from God during that relationship and I distinctly remember never praying even once during a whole year. A WHOLE YEAR! I am so grateful that our God is so kind and merciful and never stopped running after me. It really isn’t works-based righteousness (where’d I be, if that were true?!)! I am amazed that He sees us beyond our inequities through the blood of Jesus – as righteous, and His Spirit continues to make me more like Him.

I don’t recall how obvious it was to me back then but I now know how deep my insecurities and pain ran, and how much they were tied to my lack of a relationship with the Lord. The extreme lack of confidence and freedom in my life were evident by the deep pit I seemed to have found myself in. I was in deep levels of bondage of sin and I wasn’t sure how I would ever make it out. But God. He pursued me beyond understanding and I cannot believe the kind of freedom, peace, and confidence that I am walking in over eight years after. Today, I don’t know that girl, I don’t relate to that girl, and it’s hard to believe that I WAS that girl! Praise God!

After that…

Somehow, shortly after the end of that relationship, I found myself wrapping up my research work, presenting my thesis, graduating out of Texas A&M, doing a 26-day long solo camping trip to see 11 national parks before starting my first ever job in Mississippi on 9/11, and starting adult life with my new church, my own apartment, and so on. I started doing CrossFit which was something I’ve never heard of few months prior. I was also growing closer to the Lord and got baptized end of that year on the very same day my parents got baptized 17 years ago. If that’s not God, I don’t know what is. It was nothing short of miraculous. Every step of it. All of it. On the outside, I was killing it.

Then there is the flip side to the coin. There always is. No one is 100% acing it all the time. Although my giant road trip was healing in so many ways and I thought that I would be done with the pain of the end of the relationship, the day I made it back to Mississippi from the trip proved otherwise. I ugly cried and I felt like I was back to square one. The whole trip seemed to have done “nothing”. The newness of the job, being the new girl in a new city, and all the other highs including being the new person at a very welcoming church, all seemed to wear off.

It was the beginning of another painful season that revealed more issues with me including loneliness in a new city, being away from my family, lack of knowledge and understanding of a lot of things according to the Word of God, not knowing my purpose, tons of striving for God knows what, avoiding time with God on a daily basis due to “busyness” because I didn’t really want to deal with what I was mentally and spiritually going through, lots of pent up frustration and anger, and so on. Almost a year and a half after the end of the relationship, I knew I still wasn’t fully healed and I was still struggling with the pain.

The real pain through it all…

One of the concepts that was introduced to me during that season and continued to float around in the society sometimes in a subtle manner and sometimes not, put super bluntly was – “Being single is super easy. You don’t know hard until you have kids”. There are many other versions of this. I think single women have made some great posts on Instagram about how the society, including church, have made single women feel less than married women. It’s sometimes direct and most times not. But that’s the straightforward way of summarizing all of them. Many women like me, that have experienced prolonged singleness beyond their early to mid twenties have felt the pain of this ideology at least at some point in their lives.

In the beginning, I believed this notion. I thought since I didn’t have a husband, three kids, two dogs, and a house, I really shouldn’t be thinking or feeling that what I had on my plate was hard. After all, where is the justification for it? It’s just me, right? But I wasn’t feeling easy when it came to things I was having to deal with. Isn’t it hard to just be by myself too?

Don’t get me wrong. I understand it is hard to be with someone who is abusive, someone you probably ended up settling for due to a variety of pressures, or someone who was God’s will for you but is now going through a rough patch etc. I am not discounting, invalidating, or demeaning any of that. I don’t dare to. It’s also incredibly hard to lead and raise kids especially in this day and age while being married or single! Everything seems too overwhelming and hard.

But what I am talking about here is people discounting my hard – especially when most people that were saying such things probably won’t know what to do after being by themselves for more than a couple of days, a week, or a month. The hard of being by yourself will eventually set in no matter how much you try to improve and grow yourself in all the “free” time you have or how much you hangout with your cool friends or how much try to fill your schedule. You must face yourself and what you are going through at some point! And a lot of times, you have to figure out how to overcome the lack of motivation to do things because its just you – whether you want to go for an ice cream run or make a meal for yourself on a tired day or get a cabin or a hotel room when you finally take that vacation by yourself because you constantly battle the thought – “it’s just too much for just me”!

What did I do with the pain?

For years, I just didn’t want to do for others what was done to me – discount or invalidate or make light of what others are going through, no matter how “simple” it may seem to me. I developed deeper empathy for children, teens, and others in general because the way we view their pain and help them deal with it could change everything! For instance, when a teenage girl feels rejected by her “girl gang”, if I invalidate her pain by saying, “it happens to everyone, there’s mean girls everywhere, you just have to put on your big girl pants, learn how to deal with them, and just move on!”, it may lead to some serious consequences with the way she sees herself and the girls she will meet in the future. She may end up with unhealed hurt for years, may have life-long trust issues, and most importantly, never enjoy beautiful friendships with healed mature women! So, it’s important to course correct through healthy and tender acknowledgement of her current pain and situation while also helping her deal with it according to the Word of God.

Plus, I have come to realize that people’s lack of empathy toward my pain is due to their lack of experience with what I have gone through. Because most people that made those statements were the ones that got married early or haven’t ever gone through prolonged season of singleness. This is similar me not being able to fully grasp something I haven’t gone through myself. It makes sense that they don’t get it. And I was fine and doing great, for a while. But somehow, every time a touchy statement is made or there is little empathy toward my issues even at church, it still hurt.

I think things really hit me hard (after over 7 years of being single, I tried!) when I was simply not able to connect with my church at the time (by this time, I moved to Florida for a new job!) where mostly everyone comprised of a young family who got married young. It was hard to be a part of their activities due to my highly demanding job and me not having kids or a husband. Somehow, it felt like my busyness with 12-16 hour days with a difficult work environment, and a lot of real adult stuff I was dealing with in my personal life didn’t match up to their busyness of being married and having kids. Although these situations are not comparable, and each of us is always going through some very hard stuff. Plus, every time I talked about the boy troubles I was going through, I felt like its being taken as a teenager describing their issues because it’s not something they relate to or have gone through at that age. I eventually found myself getting bitter toward married people as my pent up anger over the years kept brewing and I felt very justified in feeling so due to the situations I was facing.

However, that meant more offense, anger, unforgiveness, and frustration which only ate me up. I didn’t honestly understand how to process it because of my relationship history and what I was feeling “felt” right logically. But I was not okay. I knew the unforgiveness was killing me and everything else going on in my life only made it harder. I tried counseling, talking to other people – old and young, well-known and new acquaintances, tried reading books and doing Bible studies but no one seemed to get me or understand me. I found myself again in a pit that felt like I could never get out of. Just like when my first and only relationship ended.

Beauty from ashes

At that point, I ended up leaving that church very much in pain but also deeply led by the Holy Spirit. I knew it in my spirit that God was leading me to the new church, I was so sure of it, and I had so much peace about it. But it was hard to start something brand new again, in a city that still felt new after more than two years in so many ways because I didn’t seem to be able to put down any roots. Not like the way I did in Mississippi. My physical, mental, and spiritual well-being was constantly challenged by work and it took a lot out of me to be able to really invest in relationships in Florida. Not like Mississippi. This, combined with not being able to connect with people at the previous church (church hurt), I wasn’t able to serve or connect truly with anyone I was meeting at my new church. I was running on smoke.

Although it confused me for a second as to why God led me to a different church, I knew things aren’t going to change if my heart doesn’t. I knew something had to give because the devil was after my strength that comes from being planted in a church which in turn helps me to flourish and thrive as I live out God’s purpose for my life. And I am completely incapable of true change except by the grace of God. After weeks of praying and navigating some more new developments in life, the Lord didn’t seem to show a way out. At least I wasn’t fully done hurting yet. In the middle of that deep pain, still in my bitterness, overthinking, anxiety, and hyper analysis, came something so beautiful.

Remember the church I was not really connecting at? I think the last time I was at that church, on my way to work from an event, in my utter frustration with myself and the anger I was feeling, I heard myself say, “could this be my purpose?”. Shocking but I was also thinking about how churches typically focus so much on kids, students, and families (all great things!) yet do little to support the other groups of people. In my case, it was people that finished college but haven’t been married yet. Particularly, single women (read butterflies and God, if interested). It made me mad that for years, I felt left out at church (except one church in Mississippi) but in that moment, I knew God was preparing me to help that exact demographic and now, all daughters of the King! (God refined it further – read Why Anchored by His Grace, if interested).

And that revelation has eventually led me to come up with the four pillars! Well, I can now see the Lord preparing me the whole entire time to reveal this – right from before my failed relationship till today. And He only kept me refining further. Hopefully, now you will understand why I had to take you through the journey of my life and describe the not-so-pretty parts of my mess – everything I was struggling with at different points after God brought me back to Him.

THE FOUR PILLARS

So, what are the four pillars? When God revealed to me what being His daughter and walking in that authority meant, I began jotting the attributes that kept coming to my mind. Ultimately, I realized that all of these attributes are a result of walking well in step with the Spirit in four major aspects of life – holiness, contentment, purpose, and stewardship. The Four Pillars. As a daughter of the King, I get to be holy and content while I fulfill the purpose God created me for as I steward the various blessings in my life. By His Grace. My walk with the Holy Spirit in terms of these four pillars, I think, based on my experience, truly helps me fully walk in the freedom and the authority I have as His daughter.

I tried my best to summarize what I learnt through my journey in the picture below. I will talk about each of them right after.

Holiness: What is the importance of holiness? And why holiness? Why is it central to our relationship with the Lord? God commands His people to be holy because He is holy (1 Peter 1:15-16). God’s holiness is absolute and transcendent. He is completely pure and free from sin, and He calls His people to reflect His purity and character (Isaiah 6:3). Holiness involves a moral and spiritual separation from sin. God’s people are to live differently from the world, following His commands and living according to His standards (Romans 6:22). Holiness isn’t just about outward behavior but involves the transformation of the heart. God desires purity of heart and actions that align with His will (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7). Christ’s sacrifice enables believers to be holy. Through His death and resurrection, believers are justified and sanctified, made holy by the grace of God (Hebrews 10:10). Holiness is not just a one-time event but a continuous process of growing and becoming more like Christ. It involves daily choices to live in a way that honors God (Philippians 1:6). It is important to pursue holiness through Holy Spirit to be in alignment with God’s word and live a life full of freedom that comes from doing so!

Contentment: Why is contentment essential to living in freedom? Godliness with contentment is great gain (1 Timothy 6:6-8), and contentment is tied directly to trusting in God’s continual presence and provision. God assures us that we don’t need to chase wealth because He will never abandon us (Hebrews 13:5). It isn’t about external circumstances but about trusting God’s provision and strength, regardless of whether one is in abundance or lack (Philippians 4:11-13). Contentment doesn’t come when we arrive at whatever we so desperately want for ourselves but in His presence. And in His presence, through complete surrender, Jesus truly becomes better than life!

Purpose: God has created each of us for a unique purpose (1 Corinthians 7:17). The God of the universe deemed that you and I are needed to be born at a time such as this to accomplish His unique purpose for our lives. We may never fully know our circle of influence but God can and will use our obedience in responding to that calling to reach the right people at the right time (Matthew 28:18-20). While we have our unique purpose, it is multi-faceted and at its core, it revolves around knowing God, glorifying Him, and serving others (Ephesians 2:10). Our purpose is both about eternal life with God and about living faithfully in the present, trusting that God will guide us in fulfilling His will. Knowing and walking in our calling is essential to living our life to fullest and having discernment when making key decisions in our lives. After all, how do we know which turn to take, when we don’t know where we are going?

Stewardship: Based on the number of parables Jesus used to talk about stewardship, I can tell that good stewardship of the resources and blessings He has entrusted to us is very important to Him. All parables point to wise and effective management of resources (and I think relationships too!) given to us to multiply them and glorify God as a result. Poor stewardship leads to ruin. King Solomon wasn’t not straightforward in Proverbs about the ills of being lazy and not being good stewards. He calls them fools and their end is not something you and I would want. It’s important to learn and grow in wise management of many blessings that God has given us, for His glory.

As my little picture indicates, proper walk with the Holy Spirit under these four pillars is possible through spending time in the Word of God, prayer, worship, praise, and thanksgiving at a personal level. External factors that support our walk and growth in these areas are through having a proper flow of our talents through mentorship (being poured into), peers and Bible study (people to do life with), serving (pouring into others), and most importantly, resting in the Lord (daily and sabbath) as we do so.

Why THE FOUR PILLARS?

Now that we know what I mean by four pillars, let’s talk about why. This is where the pain I talk about and the areas I struggled in come into play. For this, think of the following scenarios:

1. If I don’t know how to be content with the Lord while I am single, how can I trust myself to not put that burden on my spouse when married?
2. If I don’t deal with purity and sexual sin during my singleness, will that not carry forward into my marriage and deeply affect our relationship and intimacy?
3. If I don’t know how to deal with conflict in my relationships now, how would I immediately become an expert once married?
4. If I don’t know how to manage my finances while being single, how does it become easier when I have a family?
5. If I don’t know how to lead myself and manage my resources, how can I possibly lead my kids and help them discover their purpose and help them grow in the Lord to fulfill it?

These scenarios are just pertaining to marriage and not exhaustive but I just want to provide the background to what I am about to say. When I asked myself these questions, it seems like when not prepared well while I am single, it could lead to a very hard marriage. I am not saying that things will never go wrong if I am prepared but I think if I am not, I would be struggling with the most basic things and will be less equipped to deal with things when things do go wrong. And the worst part of it all, if I am not aware of my responsibility in each of these areas, I could be tempted to settle for someone that is not right for me. I could easily compromise, especially when I am not surrounded by strong godly community! That also leads to a bad marriage!

But as my perspective grew, I have grown to realize that these pillars are applicable not just when single or newly married but for all women no matter their life stage. Constant assessment in each of the areas, proper and complete surrender with humility, willingness and the thirst to grow, continuous renewing of mind, and transformation are truly the key to walking well along the Four Pillars. Being daughters of the King, I think God wants us to thrive in these areas through the empowerment by His Spirit and by His grace. And I think that is what a daughter of the King walking in complete freedom and authority would look like!

I pray that you excel in the areas of the four pillars as you walk with the Lord everyday! 🙂