Have you ever been rejected? Maybe you didn’t make that high school football team that you trained so hard for. Maybe its that job that you wanted so bad. Or perhaps, after months, or even years, of quietly admiring someone, you finally found the courage to share your feelings, only to hear they don’t feel the same way about you.

Sometimes, rejection is not so obvious to the untrained eye. It is not always spoken out loud. It’s subtle. You feel it in the way people speak to you or act around you. You sense it when your significant other no longer makes the time to be intentional about your relationship. Maybe the guy that you have been talking to for months is not making the move to ask you to be his girlfriend and the uncertainty is both killing you and making you feel more and more rejected as the days go by. Maybe you feel like the outsider in your girl gang, always trying to ‘fit in,’ but never quite belonging. Something seems amiss. Maybe growing up, your parents always seemed to favor your other sibling, even if they never said it out loud and didn’t mean it. These quiet moments of rejection can sometimes hurt the most, because they’re easy to dismiss but, they’re deeply felt.

No matter the situation or how obvious the rejection may be, we all experience it at some point, whether we’re outright rejected or simply feel that we are. And it’s one of the hardest things to accept and work through. Even though rejection is common, the pain it causes can run deep because it touches the parts of us that long to be seen, valued, and chosen. The more emotionally invested we are, the more painful rejection becomes and healing from it often takes time, effort, and intentionality.

Maybe you are one of those people that are pretty chill about rejection. You can easily say “their loss” and move forward. Sometimes this kind of response comes from a solid sense of self-worth and a balanced view of rejection. But usually, it is a defense mechanism rooted in pride designed to mask the sting of feeling unwanted or overlooked.

Regardless of the form it takes or how aware we are of its impact, rejection inevitably shapes us. It influences how we see people, how we let others in, and even how we perceive and trust the Lord. Often, we build a shell around ourselves as a form of protection. Sometimes that shell is healthy. It becomes a boundary that helps us move forward with wisdom.

I know this because I have seen it in myself.

My Journey with Rejection: A Look Back

Over the past 30 years of my life, I’ve received so much favor, most of it undeserved, in countless ways, in many situations, and through so many people. And I truly praise God for that. I can’t even begin to explain His goodness in each of those moments. It’s like God says, “I am God. I can do anything. I love you, and I’ve got this.” And He really does.

I often sit in awe of His love and favor, so real, so personal, expressed through actual circumstances and the people around me. Those are the sweetest experiences, giving me fresh glimpses of how deeply God loves me. I never get tired of seeing Him move in powerful, unmistakable ways. In fact, when I know it’s Him and not me, I feel such peace and confidence about whatever I’m walking into. I know it’s for my good.

Even though I experienced God’s favor so much, time and again, I think rejection is probably still the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. In the midst of so much favor, I’ve also experienced deep and painful rejection. The obvious kind and the not-so-obvious kind. Sometimes I’d face them simultaneously to the point where I’d be confused and feeling guilty about whether I should celebrate God’s unmerited mercy and favor toward me or be sad about the severe and deeply hurtful rejections.

When I moved to the States, there was virtually no communication with them. They were absent when I was going through some very difficult situations at the time. And it was hard. In the next five to ten years that followed, when there was an occasional group text, it was extremely uncomfortable and even though I forgave them, I didn’t want to have any part in it. The things that were said and done had left a mark.

I’m not sure I fully understood why then, maybe I have more clarity now, but it still feels unfair. Yet, even in that, I can now see God’s protection woven through it all. But that was not how I processed it at the time. This rejection occurred when I was still astray from the Lord during college, before He brought me back to Him. So clearly, I processed it how I knew the best to do so. In my flesh.

One of my first internal reactions was to build walls and write damaging narratives in my mind:

• Girls are mean. Their friendships are usually fake and can’t be trusted.
• They always talk behind my back.
• They can’t stand when I do well.
• They get jealous and try to bring me down.
• Even if they seem sweet now, they’ll turn on me tomorrow for no reason.
• Girl groups aren’t for me. I’ll always be the one left out.
• I cannot keep up and be closer to each and everyone of them so that I am not the one that’s least close to all the girls.

That is not an exhaustive list but captures the painful foundation of one of the hardest emotional walls I’ve ever built. What was the result? For the next 3-4 years that followed, especially right after the initial fall out, I had no girl friends. I made sure of that. I would talk to them in the passing but there was no way I was going to let them come close. I had roommates in grad school and they were sweet girls but my walls were thick, strong, and high. Still, whenever I met a woman who was kind, gentle, and trustworthy, something in me would question the beliefs I held. But those protective walls always felt safer. So I kept them up and life went on.

It wasn’t until I started my first job that I met two girls that seemed to have a great relationship with the Lord. They were sweet, loving, and seemed to want the best for me. It was not something I wanted to believe given my past but they listened to my heart and prayed for me. But the devil was right there, lurking. Because they knew each other before they knew me and spent more time together than I could with them, I felt excluded. Again. I began projecting my fears and past wounds onto that friendship. It wasn’t crazy unhealthy but there was wrestling in my heart. This was also the season when God brought me back to Him after my breakup. So, I began processing the rejection differently. The Holy Spirit was at work.

In the short duration I had known them, with every interaction, I began to trust God more than depending on their actions and acceptance of me. I had to answer the question – if I kept being friends with them and the history repeats itself, how would I deal with that?

And I trust Jesus all the way. So, it was okay to let the walls down. I did.

And that was the beginning of MANY friendships with some healthy, mature, and healed women that I enjoy to this day. And they are the best kind! As I look back, I now see that I needed that deep rejection right before the beginning of my adulthood to prepare me for the friendships God had waiting for me.

I mean if I were to ask questions like why, why that specific time?, why did it have to be so hard?, why so unfair?, etc., I now know why. God was preparing me for the deep-rooted, genuine, joy-filled friendships I get to enjoy today.

He had purpose in every painful moment.
He had a reason for every rejection.
And that is the goodness of God.

However, this was not my happy ending. There is more. More to glean and learn from the pain of rejection.

God’s Refinement Mode: Next Level Activated

I think just like how we advance to more difficult levels after completing one in a video game, God does the same when it comes to refining us and making us stronger in different areas of life. Because He’s just good like that.

As if the hurt and healing from past rejections weren’t enough, there was still more in store for me. I didn’t want to go through it at all but now I know God needed to show me more of His character, at a deeper level. I’m also sure He’s preparing me for something better. I don’t know what that is yet, but I believe I’ll see it.

My most recent rejection, actually, the last two in the romantic department were pretty hard on me. Both times, even though we never dated, if I put “my issues and lessons” aside for a minute, I think one of the main reasons why they never turned into anything was there was another girl involved before me that I had no idea about.

Even though things seemed great between us, I never understood at the time, why they weren’t taking the next step forward. I was too naïve to see what was happening. My need to take matters into my own hands, paired with a manipulative tendency, made me keep the communication going, even when I sensed (in both the natural and the spirit) that I shouldn’t. That’s a story for another blog. For now, let’s focus on the rejection part. Even in telling this, I’m reminded how God never wastes pain.

At first, I was angry with God for allowing me to go through so much rejection. I mean, if God loves me so much, why would He allow so much pain, shame, and embarrassment that comes from rejection? I have gone through these lessons before. Plus, I didn’t put myself in those situations or cause them to happen, for the most part. I think God allowed me to be there. I was just showing up, trying to live life to glorify Him, and yet… things still happened to me.

The unfairness of it all made me mad, not at the people, but at God. Honestly speaking, I wasn’t mad at the people for being unfair to me and rejecting me but I was mad that God didn’t protect me from it. In that pain, I translated the rejection from man into rejection from God. And it hurt. So bad. Because I know God loves me.

It was absolute blasphemy to me, because it goes completely against God’s heart. It was so easy to brush it off in the beginning because it is a lie from the pit of hell. But with time, it festered. I began feeling the pain from feeling the depth and weight of that lie. For no reason. It was so hard to get out of that rut.

In my spirit, I had the right belief and wisdom but the pain of rejection put me in a state that I could not understand and work through. The emotional toll of rejection clouded my ability to process and fight it well. It was easy to accept rejection from man. Been there, done that. To me, it doesn’t matter when I am rejected by man because my heavenly Father loves me and I am forever His daughter. I knew nor felt any rejection from Him thus far.

But this curveball against God, this lie that God had rejected me or loved someone else more, was a different kind of battle. It was not something that I could brush off after couple of weeks. I knew it needed more attention than praying over the lies with scriptures, which did help but it didn’t get to the root of the issue. I needed to go deeper. I needed to bring my tangled thoughts and hurting heart to God, again and again, so I could receive the wisdom, healing, and renewal only the Holy Spirit could bring.

What’s even crazy about this whole process is that this happened smack dab in the middle of writing this blog. I started writing it randomly on my phone one night before this new dark lie ever was a thing in my head. How GOOD is our God? So, somehow I knew my healing from this pain is dependent on me seeing this blog through and finishing it because although I maybe physically typing in these words, these words are truly written by the Holy Spirit. I cannot remember writing a single word I wanted to post in my strength on this blog. I tried pretty hard before but just failed miserably. No progress. NADA.

And that’s how I know healing is happening.
Because I’m not writing from my pain anymore.
I’m writing from a place of process, presence, and partnership with God.

Dealing with the Cycle of Rejection

I believe rejection is an essential part of the ebb and flow of life. But when I first began going through the process, two questions kept tormenting me:

How did I get to the point of being rejected so deeply?
How did I get so emotionally invested?

The truth is, after reading Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa TerKeurst, I knew I shouldn’t have continued communicating with them. They weren’t taking appropriate responsibility for the relationship they were building with me. I had no clarity on my role, was I a friend or something more? Their actions suggested one thing, but their words and status said another: I was “just a friend.”

With all the wisdom I had received from the Holy Spirit, I knew better. To completely cut the ties off. And don’t get me wrong. I did. Several times. But the devil was persistent too. The compromises were subtle, easy to justify. It looked like I was within healthy boundaries, but in reality, it was doing quiet damage. And I let it continue. It was hard to keep fighting for such extended periods of time when the “friendships” that were being built in the process were starting to feel real and important.

I always had the Holy Spirit who was ready to help me have the self-control I needed with communication and counsel me as needed but I know I didn’t seek the Lord with all my heart. I loved the butterflies (highly recommend reading this blog) more. This means that although God may have allowed these men into my life, but I still had the responsibility, and all the support I needed, to walk in wisdom. I didn’t. At the end of the day, I chose not to.

I am not saying that I had to be perfect but if I am being honest, I had enough opportunities to recover, learn, and exercise healthy boundaries. But I didn’t. I constantly disobeyed God and didn’t allow Him to be the Lord of every area of my life. I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it on my own terms. Did I mention, I wanted it ASAP too?

But here’s also the truth: as I reflect more deeply, I see now that God was trying to teach me something vital. Quick obedience. Spirit-led self-control. Total dependence on Him, especially when my flesh wants something else. But even deeper than that, I think He wanted me to finally believe in my worth as His daughter, to accept the value I have in Christ, and to expect nothing less from any man I would consider marrying.

And in His unfailing love for me, through this deep rejection, He was hitting some fundamental issues I’ve carried since childhood around self-esteem, confidence, and how I see and value myself. God has already brought me a long way in those areas. But I believe He needed me to grow to a new level, one that aligns with the promises He’s preparing for me. And honestly, I probably wouldn’t have understood or learnt it any better way. Other than through some good ole’ rejection. And it has been good for me.

Final Thoughts

I know this has been a long post, but I think it’s necessary as rejection is a complex topic. After going through multiple rounds of rejection in different areas of life, I’ve come to believe the most cliché-sounding truth: rejection really is God’s protection. And His perfect redirection.