As long as I can remember, from my first crush during my teenage years all the way now to 30, every time there is a guy with some potential in the picture, there is something about “him” that has made me behave differently than I normally would. I personally like to be on the island of denial when it comes to this topic because I think I am above all that (yes, I’m rolling my eyes too…), but it is true. I notice my behavior change not just when he is around but when he is not around too. But this is supposed to be normal, isn’t it? Truth be told, should it be?
We often call these feelings butterflies. And I’ve learned that they come with a mix of excitement, hope, and maybe just a hint of confusion.
Whenever I feel butterflies for someone, I know I tend to post more on social media with the in-deliberate but deliberate intention (you know what I mean!) to be noticed by him. And when I post a story, I tend to check my phone multiple times to see if he’s seen it. I tend to talk a lot about him in a dreamy manner to every person I know without paying much attention to his red flags. Or I would just find reasons to bring him up in random conversations. Oh, did I mention? I also happen to go way out of my way for him or initiate conversations or make things happen even if he doesn’t reciprocate these gestures with the same intensity.
My Frameworks: What I knew about butterflies…
Before you get started on how men behave when truly interested, don’t! I watched the movie “He’s just not that into you” at the age of 17 multiple times —and of course, I know everything there is to know about this process, right? If a man is interested, I will know, he will make it happen, and I don’t have to doubt it or question it. He will be intentional, and clear about his feelings, and he will make sure to make me believe without a shadow of doubt that I am his exception. Plus, I watched several Instagram reels that taught me everything I need to know about dating and marriage. I practically deserve a magna cum laude degree on this topic after 8 whole years of being single (I’ve never been married but my last relationship ended 8 years ago) at the time of this writing. It’s true!
And no, please don’t start lecturing me about boundaries. I read my share of books and listened to sermons and podcasts about them and I could teach about boundaries at this point (side note – this is a great article I came across on Instagram). I very well know he doesn’t deserve the kind of access I give him to my life when he hasn’t taken the appropriate responsibility toward the relationship we end up having.
It’s not like I haven’t tried at all to have and implement boundaries. It’s just that every time I try to set them and actually practice them, he does something or things happen where I am filled with some more butterflies for him and the hope that this might turn into something and that time is right around the corner. I just have to hold out for a little more time until he gets clarity from the Lord and maybe some of his concerns or whatever is holding him back will clear up and maybe, just maybe, then, it could be something. I mean, we could be something. Right? Does anyone relate or is it just me?
But there’s more! By that I mean it gets worse. I also just want to lay out the mental and spiritual framework I use for dealing with butterflies. Because I know not just about the practical ways to deal with this issue through boundaries, but I also know and completely believe what I think is the crucial but important guidance that God’s word gives about dealing with boundaries when it comes to butterflies. At least, that’s what I think. And here’s the verse.
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22 NIV
Keywords here – “He who finds”. That means it is the man that is supposed to pursue! It’s NOT a man pursued by a woman that finds a good thing. Yet somehow, I find myself pursuing him more than he ever does eventually without even realizing it. I know the theory, but I still get caught in the cycle.
Where did my frameworks lead me?
With all that said, at some point along the way I wake up. Praise God. When I realize what’s going on in me and with the guy, it’s incredibly hard to step back. The soul ties are already formed with him through the time spent and the conversations had because I love his friendship, how he cares, how he’s so wonderful and sweet, how he can be emotionally present because he really gets me to the T, and so on, even though he doesn’t provide clarity about the relationship while doing all things a boyfriend would do. And to make it worse, when I do end up having the “what-are-we?” conversations, his responses could be along the lines of –
“I have to figure out my career (or something else) before I can commit to anything” (so why do you want my attention and emotional support, and why do you act like my boyfriend?),
“I was talking to you as a friend” (Oh you text all day everyday, talk about deep topics, and spend so much time with your “friend”? Cool.)
“I haven’t thought about marriage yet” (sure, you grew up in the sticks, your parents, grandparents, best friend, cousin, sister, and everyone else you know married their high school sweethearts. So, marriage certainly never comes up or is a thought in that sweet head of yours!)
How fun. I mean, how maddening. His mixed signals keep those butterflies alive, even when I know better. Truth is, the butterflies are not coming just from my liking and fascination for him. He adds to them too. Even when all facts and logic are known about the matter, his behavior could be confusing or is usually indicative of a “move” and yet he never makes one or takes forever.
As women, we are confused by all the banter, the flirting, the “he gets me and cares for me” moments, etc. If all that was overthinking or making too much out of nothing, how does one justify the shear amount of time he gives you? It just doesn’t seem to add up. Why is he doing all the things if he is not interested at all? How could he care so much without wanting more? Are soul ties only a female thing and men are immune to them?
And as this cycle unfolds, I find myself going crazy. Like, why am I smack dab in the middle of this very confusing yet heart wrenching reality where his actions make me feel like I am something more to him while his actions also truly do not confirm anything? Also, I am typically very healthy in my walk with the Lord when he rolls into my life and that precisely is what leads him to keep pursing a relationship (not the committed kind) with me in the first place. But as I try to deal with my butterflies while also trying to deal with the butterflies from him combined with his lack of commitment toward a relationship, I tend to get unhealthy and not be myself. I get unanchored and get tossed around in the storms of the feelings, true physical circumstances, and the spiritual guilt of it all.
It’s kind of like this funny Instagram post. I highly relate to it! Haha!
It’s the classic story – I am killing it in life, he finds that attractive about me, enters my life, does things and confuses me about his intentions, makes me crazy, then calls me crazy, and leaves me or finds another woman. Isn’t that just wild? Yet, it happens every day with many other women too. I think, at least based on my conversations with them. I find myself super hurt as a result, get bitter toward men, feel unfit for a relationship and stupid for getting myself to this spot. Then, there is this list of endless lies I hear in my head. Again.
And that brings me to the real crux of the matter: My existing frameworks of dealing with butterflies don’t just change my external behavior. The external change is actually a reflection of me not being anchored in the Lord when I experience butterflies and hence, I start losing myself. And if I am being brutally honest, haven’t I played a huge role in bringing myself to this point by not setting and enforcing proper mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries?
Current thoughts
As I write this and over the years, I am both baffled and amazed by how much I know the facts and the supposed-to-be’s about this topic yet I continue to go down like a lead balloon. What can I say – I try to be excellent at what I do, even when I fail – all the way (hope you sense the sarcasm and disappointment here). I seem to know it all, and I still can’t seem to help myself. I pray about it, I try to exercise self-control, I do self-talks, pep talks, talk to friends and mentors about him, journal a ton about him, surrender it all to the Lord a million times and yet, I find myself at the same exact place at the age of 30. Unbelievable.
Although I’d like to think that I have become more mature, even keeled, or calm about this as I have gotten older, if I am being truly honest with myself, my most recent experience has shown me that’s not the case. Sad, but true. Well, I also haven’t called them butterflies that whole entire time (remember, I wasn’t capable of having butterflies anymore because men are crazy and will leave me high and dry…). But nope, I haven’t gotten better at dealing with butterflies. I may have gotten better at saying no to men that don’t make it past my dealbreakers but with those that do, I think I am just as good as I was nearly ten years ago. Back then, I didn’t have the relationship I have now with God but now I do. That seems to be the only and major difference. And that alone should be enough, shouldn’t it?
But before I go further into what God has been teaching me lately about butterflies, I want to talk some about how I dealt with butterflies during the past fifteen years or so of my life. I noticed that every time my heart got shattered by a man, the way I dealt with butterflies with the next man evolves. The more I rejected someone or faced rejection, the more I kept telling myself that I cannot afford to have butterflies as they are the worst thing that could happen to me on this planet earth. Because butterflies won’t pay bills and change diapers in the middle of the night. I would try to kill them by being blunt, cut and dry, and “practical” with myself. In most cases, that just meant negative self talk. Or I was in complete denial that I had the butterflies for a guy and didn’t care to acknowledge them at all. Because guess what? It never ends up in anything good. Butterflies never lead me to a good place. My behavior tends to be less logical, and my feelings tend to be all over the place. And ultimately, just like the predictable ending of a hallmark movie except that its opposite in my life, he will do something to hurt me or he won’t be interested in me enough to make a commitment and I will end up alone and hurt and I don’t need all that drama in my life. Right?
But my experience so far proved to me that dealing with butterflies in this manner is equivalent to putting a lid over a boiling pot of water without cutting the source of heat. At some point, the vapors will become strong enough to push the lid off, as long as the heat (butterflies) is supplied to it. And I think this is what happens when the butterflies are not treated with the respect they deserve and in God’s way. They lead me somewhere, even if I try not to feel them.
Where do I go from here?
At this juncture, the first question I had to ask myself about butterflies – are they bad? To understand this, I came up with a better question – what if God never created the butterflies? That means I would never be able to get giddy when the real man that God has been preparing for me enters my life and makes me his wife. I will not feel anything when we go on our first date or when I walk down that aisle or when he does something romantic for me. And that would be very sad and I don’t even like to think about it. That means that butterflies in fact can be a beautiful part of a healthy, God-centered relationship. So, I came to the following conclusion – only when felt with the right person, at the right time, butterflies are a sweet gift from the Lord. This means that I must understand and learn what I must do with butterflies before that person enters my life.
But how? And this is the reason for writing this entire blog post. To tell other women in the same boat as me about what God has revealed to me about getting better with butterflies. His way. The only way where I won’t crumble underneath the confusion of it all and not let the confusing man destroy my peace and stillness with the Lord. I have been doing great ever since and I pray that this helps you too. Now, I walk in the complete freedom I have in Christ as the daughter of the King, fully anchored in Him by His grace. So, let’s dive into it.
The NEW Framework!
So yes, I know I need to handle butterflies differently when they arise outside the covenant of marriage, but how exactly? I’ve identified three key concepts that have helped me develop a new framework for dealing with them.
One of the reasons why we feel all that excitement and confusion, aka butterflies, is due to the possibility and the excitement that comes with it. And the possibility could be God’s will for our lives! The reality is, for most of us, we want this possibility more than God even when we don’t know for sure if this possibility is God’s best for us. Whenever we want or seem to need something more than God, it truly is the beginning of our destructive misalignment with His Spirit and the turmoil that comes as a result combined with deep hurt is NOT worth it. No matter how “good” the possibility seems to me in the natural. Because Jesus is better than life.
But how do we know what God’s will for our life is, especially when it comes to making the most important decision about our future spouse? It seems really hard to know but it’s really not.
One of the wisest things I’ve ever heard about God’s will was from one of my previous pastors. Here’s the gist of it – we all want to know what the will of the Lord is for our lives. We keep asking God what do I do next, where am I supposed to go, am I supposed to marry this person, etc. However, as much as there is the need to seek His will with the big decisions, we can learn so much about God’s will for our lives through His revealed Word in many other areas of life and OBEYING them.
For instance, whenever I face a difficult situation or am at crossroads, I don’t have to wonder if my choice should be forgiveness, it IS forgiveness, according to the Word of God (Ephesians 4:31-32). I choose love, according to the Word of God. It is excellent work, according to the Word of God. It is a man that follows and has accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, according to the Word of God. NOT someone that maybe is interested in going to the church or is exploring his “spirituality”. I don’t need to force or manipulate anything to happen; I can trust God to fight my battles for me (Exodus 14:14). You get the point. We don’t have to wonder what God’s will in most everyday situations because His Word already tells us what His will is, i.e., the right thing to do.
Secondly, God’s promises are true regardless of what is going on with my life. His Word does not change whether I am facing a storm or am on a mountain top. His promises are unshaken by my circumstances. He remains the same, regardless of how dire my situation may appear, and He knows exactly how to fulfill His promises, even in the most challenging times.
Thirdly, piggybacking off the last two concepts, I can fully surrender everything to God, be in His presence while He fights my battles, and enjoy the peace and stillness that I can experience as His daughter. Just as His Word says. Truth is, my position as His daughter does not change because I have butterflies. So, I don’t have to be anxious when I have butterflies. I can give them and my desires to God through prayer as I fully trust Him confidently to renew my mind and the Holy Spirit can empower me to exercise self-control and NOT act outside of my character. His grace is sufficient for me to have complete confidence in His plans that always come to fruition in God’s perfect timing. I do not have to birth an Ishmael to “help” God fulfill His promises to me. It never goes well. And more importantly, it means I do not trust the God of the universe to love me enough to work this situation out.
Putting it together…
Combining the above three concepts along with a lot of truth from scriptures, and a ton of time in Word, prayer, and worship, I have written out the following principles to deal with the butterflies in God’s way.
- I am His daughter. Nothing changes this truth.
- I can be anchored in Him to experience peace, stillness, and self-control in most trying situations.
- I can trust God’s love for me and His faithfulness to bring His promises to fruition. I don’t to need to strive, manipulate, or make anything happen. I just need to fix my gaze upon Jesus.
- While I wait, I truly can enjoy this amazing life God has blessed me with, to the fullest. Life is so beautiful and is full of God’s goodness.
- In the waiting, I can grieve the loss of dreams and hopes and my disappointments, and trust God to heal my heart. Grieving helps me not stay stuck or remain stagnant. It is good to grieve to let go and receive healing. I can trust God with renewed hope and be stronger.
- I do not have to let any man into my life until he proves worthy by his utmost devotion to the Lord (through the fruit he produces) and by his intentional, honest, and clear pursuit of me.
- Until His Spirit leads me to anything serious, I will steer clear of any unnecessary thoughts or actions that are outside of my role as His daughter and as a woman of God.
Most importantly, inviting Holy Spirit into every situation of my life and every corner of my mind to remain content and rejoice in the Lord with complete peace is something I am very intentional about. It has been incredibly helpful for me in navigating those uncertain, fluttering feelings I don’t always know how to handle—at least until the Lord reveals the one. I pray that this truth helps you process through your butterflies and remain strong and anchored in the Lord, and walk beautifully as His daughter at all times! 🙂
Anchored by His Grace 
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